What if we were
nicer to each other?
Hmmmmmmmmmmm?
hMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmMMmMmMMmmmmmM?
I was this close to absolutely losing it recently. I was ready to fly off the handle. Poised for a major freak out. I almost got… fussy. Yeah, it was that bad.
The last week of December I went on a romantic getaway to Middle of Nowhere, Massachusetts. I should have left my phone at home, but alas I opened social media. Open Stage at the Chez Est was being hosted by two of my drag sisters and my drag niece! I found this out from an Instagram story. None of them told me, Flaminia! I felt betrayed. Had I been tossed aside like yesterday’s apricot?
When I planned out my outfit, put on my makeup, and put on my ravishing new wig, it felt like preparing for battle. I had come to the conclusion that I wasn’t wanted, and if I was going to show up and make a scene I was gonna be the prettiest star in the picture and I was gonna chew some scenery.
You know what those backstabbers said when they saw me, Flaminia?
“Oh my god you look so beautiful! Did Jacqueline do that hair?”
Huh. That was… a pleasant surprise. This wasn’t fake either. Over text it would have been tricky to tell, but I could see everyone was truly wowed.
Turns out that there was no grand conspiracy. I hadn’t been excommunicated. It was an unfortunate miscommunication with bad timing.
It still definitely hurt my feelings, but honestly I get it. I had disappeared again. I hadn’t been to a gay bar all December. I hadn’t talked to anyone in the scene since the last Chez Legends Finale. Even when I found out about this open stage hosting lineup, I was a state away with a beautiful baron. It makes sense that when they were scrambling to come up with a plan, I slipped everyone’s mind.
These are friends I’ve had for years. People I shared some of the happiest moments of my life with. Confidants that helped get me through some of the worst moments. I hate that my first instinct was to assume they would ever do something to hurt me on purpose. That wasn’t fair and I’m sorry for that. The landscape has just become so hostile.
Social media is full of vague posts. Dressing rooms are brimming with gossip and cruel jokes. We compete for bookings and in literal contests. It makes sense that we’re primed to think everyone is secretly against us. I was even able to imagine reasons why my friends might be mad based on what I’ve heard other queens get mad about in the past.
Any entertainment business has fragile egos, and it’s even more true for us. Many queer people grew up feeling bullied and ostracized. We paint these imposing faces and tower over the world in high heels and buxom bodies, but most of us are delicate as cashmere. Even I’m not immune to having insecure thoughts from time to time. I know! Me, Flaminia! I’m fun, conventionally attractive, and basically universally beloved in and out of drag. Logically I am aware of this.
What should we do when our egos start sabotaging our peace?
Get perspective on the situation. If it’s gossip or drama, it’s usually not that serious to begin with. If it is serious, then take some time to process your emotions first. Vent to some confidants. It’s ok to be angry, frightened, or hurt. It’s not ok to let those feelings make things worse!
If you’re upset with someone, figure out what you actually want before you talk about it. Explain how you’re feeling, why you feel that way, and what you want to see change for the future. If someone’s upset with you, don’t get defensive. Just listen, try to understand, and offer potential solutions. I’ve regretted lashing out at people and acting for revenge, but I’ve never regret being patient and empathetic.